INTRODUCTION TO MEMOIR EXCERPTS:
When I started this blog on Jan 28th ’12, I wanted to use a meaningful photograph for the blog header. To go in line with the title, I gathered all of my journals and placed them in chronological order for one nice shot. During this process, I saw that my first journal entry was written when I was 12 years old during the month of February, 1992. That means that this month of Feburary, 2012, marks TWO DECADES of journaling!
Since I have never done so, I think it would be fun to start reading through ALL of my journals. And because journeys are more fun when shared with others, I’ll post any entry that will either make you laugh, cry, or just straight up – THINK!
February 11, 1992 – Age 12
I find this entry hilarious.
In grade 7, I was writing about “TRUE LOVE” and how I wanted “2 be + 2 gether = 4 ever” with my crush.
This kind of naive puppy love is understandable coming from an adolescent. One would hope that as we mature, we begin to understand what “true love” REALLY MEANS and what being “2gether 4ever” REALLY REQUIRES.
For some of us, this is fortunately the case. For the rest of us, it seems we have more to learn. According to the CBC, 4 out of 10 first marriages in Canada end in divorce. And for us bachelor/ette fans, is it a surprise that 15 of the 18 couples have already split?
We – including myself – have much to learn about LOVE. While we can be well versed in economics, politics, math, science, sport and the various arts…without our own personal pursuits to LEARN 2 LOVE (first ourselves, then each other) we may never feel a kind of LIFE WORTH LIVING…but more so, a LOVE WORTH DYING FOR.
For all you music lovers, lemme take you back -back into time -a time when we used to record our favorite songs off the radio onto something we then called the ‘cassette tape.’
Top 6 at 6 on CFTR.
6. Justified & Ancient (Mumulang) KLF
5. Do You Remember the Times? M. Jackson
4. Vibology. Paula Abdul
3. I Love Your Smile! Chanise Wilson
2. Everything’s Gonna Be Alright. Naughty by Nature
1. I’m Too Sexy! Right Sed Fred
January 30, 2000 – Age 20
(verbatim). “Here’s one thing I’ve realized: life is simple…its the mind that complicates things. My friend Mike asked me last week “what’s the greatest challenge in life?” I’m like “give me a day 2 think about it” he responds “the answer’s really simple” so i’m like “okay tell me” he says “the greatest challenge…is yourself.” I thought about it…and he’s right. Everything from pressures from school, work, family, challenges in finding love & happiness…all these things are defined by your state of mind. Yes, you feel pressures from everyone in the world…buts it’s you who chooses 2 listen 2 them…and yes…we all stress about finding love & happiness…but it’s you who defines it & determines when you’ll find it…or if you already have.”
Preface: I wrote this during the beginnings of my first serious boyfriend. Never having given my heart before, there were some fears preventing me from moving forward with the relationship. I overcame those fears by claiming these thoughts:
(verbatim). “I’d rather give my all & get hurt than regret not giving it at all. Hurt & pain is something I’ll get over, it makes me stronger…but regret is something you’ll never really get over. ”
“It hurts to love someone & not be loved back but it hurts even more 2 love someone, and not find the courage to let them know.”
December 26, 2000 –
“Every passing minute is another opportunity for you to change your life around.”
August 9, 2004 – Age 23
Looking back at myself in my 20s, I see clearly now how I was very insecure with myself. This of course manifested in both my friendships & romantic relationships. Consequently, I was always turning to others for advice that would make me feel better. Here is a journal entry from 10 years ago where I realize something that even today…I need to remind myself often:
(verbatim) “…all this made me realize something that i ironically already knew…and that’s the fact that WE ALL ALREADY HAVE THE ANSWERS & KNOW THE TRUTH ie) everything that Dayna, Lynn, Roz & Jeff have told me to make me feel better are things that I already knew bout myself…what I have to do, is to LEARN TO START JUST LISTENING TO THE TRUTHS IN ME & RELYING LESS ON HAVING TO HEAR IT FROM OTHERS. That’s the way most things in life are. You just have to be IN TUNE WITH YOURSELF.”
September 17, 2004 – Age 23
After I finished OT school in 2004, I travelled Europe for several months (1 month of which I travelled solo). At one point in time, I was at Heathrow Airport & had reached the front of the lineup for customs, only to find I was in the UK residents lineup. Dammit! I had spent over 30 minutes waiting in the wrong line! Urgh. So I went to the back of the correct line where I queued behind this Indian man. He must have heard me cursing to myself, because he turned around and said “sometimes in life…the WRONG line is the RIGHT line.” Turns out, this man – Bharat Bhushan – was a SUPREME SOUL teacher, who went around the world teaching others about STRESS FREE LIVING via meditation and relaxation. For the next half hour, I pretty much got a free lesson on LIVING LIFE BETTER. Here’s what he shared with me:
“To be tension free..think POSITIVELY.”
There are 7 C’s you must stop doing in your life:
1. Criticizing (instead, always appreciating)
5. Correcting (yourself & others)
7. Carelessness (always take care)
Also…get rid of JHA! J (Jealousy) H (Hatred) A (Anger) – they are bad for the mind.
Finally, to be healthy and happy, remember: “NO HURRY. NO WORRY. NO CURRY!” Don’t rush through life hurrying around. Stop, take your time & enjoy life’s beauties. And don’t ever worry because often when you do, you are either thinking about the past or thinking about the future and thus not in the present – where there is usually nothing to worry about. As for curry, (I laughed at the thought of an Indian man telling me “no curry”) but basically, his point was not to take it literally, but instead to just eat healthy.
Ever since this ‘chance’ encounter with Bharat that September afternoon in 2004, I never complain when I end up in ‘the wrong’ line.
Since my adolesence, I’ve always had some insecurity about my acne-prone skin. When reading through my journals, I was surprised to find this long-forgotten poem I had written about “THE REAL BEAUTY OF ME.”
After looking in the mirror & seeing my reflection
At first w/disgust the acne made me feel rejection
But then I realized the beauty inside
& that the beauty in it all is that I have nothing to hide
The blemishes the wrinkles that’s what makes me ME
I appreciate everything because I’m happy to be me
But so long as I have this ideal of how I want to be
With clear skin, a large ass and a bra size 32B
Then I’ll never appreciate the real beauty of me
Because everything about me is what makes me ME.